For those of you who don't know, I did not meet my father until I was 18 or 19. When I met him I found him to be a very nice. He loved his family, he had three sons that he continually talked about. When he spoke of his grandchildren, his eyes lit up.
He also did a few nice things for me when we met, but he wouldn't introduce me to his family. His kids, his parents, and his siblings do not know about me. Only his wife knows of me. Every conversation was brought on by me. It has now been at least a year since we have even talked, and he doesn't know that Jackee is even pregnant.
Last night while surfing the Internet, I thought of him again. I googled (imagine that, I used google) him and found out that he is now a mayor. I have such a desire to shout his name to everyone I know and he would know; to tell everyone his secret...me.
A moment of irony: My wife just changed the channel to Sports Center (I know my wife is awesome) and the Tiger Woods story is playing. The weird thing is that I feel sorry for Tiger. I feel sorry for my father. The insecurity that drives people to hurt the people they love the most is frightening.
So, my father is a mayor, and he lives within 20 minutes of my house.
I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt his kids, I don't want to hurt his wife. I really just want to forget about him. I don't want his name to pop into my head. I don't know how to really move past it. I feel like I have no power in the situation. If I confront him about it and start telling everyone his name, I will be vindictive. If I give him a call and talk to him, it just becomes more apparent how he wishes I would vanish. So what am I to do? It isn't like I think about him non-stop, but when something does make me think about him, I start pretty much at square one.
I don't have the remedy, and that is hard for me to admit. Jackee always gives me a hard time because I have been known to say: "I am a problem solver, it is what I do." I don't know how to solve this problem. I like brain teasers, but this one I can't solve.
I really don't even know what I want. On one hand it would be nice to meet my brothers and nieces and nephews, but if I did, it would be awkward. What would we talk about? I can feel the tension just thinking about it.
I would love my son to have two grandfathers. While I was growing up I did not have any biological grandparents after the age of 5. It wasn't as though I didn't have people that treated me like a grandson though. My mom's stepfather is my grandpa and is amazing. I never got to know my mom's mom very well, but my mom's aunts and uncles on her mom side have been amazing. My brother's grandma also treated me like one her one until she passed away. I also had my mom's significant other's mom, Sarah, that was like a grandma. All of those people were great, but none of them were MY Grandma or Grandpa.
At this point, I don't think I would allow our son to meet my father, there is no reason for our son to have to understand why he can't meet his cousins. I don't want to have to explain to him why we don't see Grandpa on Christmas. I don't want to have to explain to him why I call my dad by his first name while he has to call me dad. But, I also don't want to keep it a secret from him either.
My father sells products that I use everyday. Something I love shopping for. I was once told he was a deacon in his church, my faith is something I care deeply about. My father is a mayor, and politics (especially socioeconomic issues) is something I care deeply about. Everywhere I turn, I can see his imprint on my life, but I don't really know him. I think I am a pretty good man, I have my faults, but on the whole, I am not horrible. I don't think my father is either, but I wish I didn't have to deal with him.
Something else just came to mind, I hate to keep secrets. I routinely give presents to people early, at work I hate it when I am not in the know of something new going on, and keeping our son's name a secret has been nearly impossible for me. I always knew I hated secrets because my stepfather use to tell me that I couldn't tell anyone that he abused me. But I have long gotten over that. I now realize that I hate secrets, because I am a secret. For my father, I am a horrible secret, one that could make his life pretty miserable.
In the last two paragraphs I used the word horrible twice, and that is my conundrum. At times I feel my relationship with my father makes it easier for me to be selfish, but I can't fully deal with the situation unless I do something selfish and tell the whole world about him.
I sometimes wonder what or if my father thinks about me. If he doesn't think about me that would hurt me. I am his son and to forget about what you helped create is disturbing. If he does think about me, I highly doubt it is good thoughts, since I would think that I am a threat to his way of life. How do you think that a town of under a 1000 people would react to their mayor having a secret like me? How do you think a little church would feel about one of their deacons having a secret like me? How do you think his kids would feel about a secret like me?
Thus I am stuck with this cloud hanging over my head. I feel like the right thing to do is act like my father doesn't exist, but that just buries the feelings until they will someday erupt. When thoughts of him come to mind, I feel selfish. As long as no one knows about me I am horrible secret, a living representation of a mistake that could turn someone's life upside down. If I become a secret no more, a life will be altered, and more than likely many people hurt. What did my father's other sons do to have their imagine of their father destroyed in there minds?
What is the solution? How is this problem solved? What would God do in my shoes? The one thing I know, is that I will NEVER put my son in this position. I will not let history repeat itself.
