What do you do when you fail at something you care deeply about?
Over the last two months I have realized that I fail all the time at something that I care a lot about. See, I believe deep in my heart that most people want to be good people, that they want to succeed. I also believe that we tend to think that we are very different from others, but in reality we are much like some of the people we dislike most. Lastly, I believe that the world would be a better place if we realized we were not so different then our adversaries. I will tackle each belief one at a time.
I have met few people that want to be bad people, but many who want to fit in. There are rare cases of people who have emotional, chemical, or physical impairments that cause them to have saddistic desires. Those people aside, almost everyone wants to succeed, especially by the standards of the people around us. The people around may be different, but we want what our social network values. We want to have a certain image, certain material wealth, and/or be perceived as upholding certain morals, and sometimes we take short cuts to get there. Conflict arises when people or groups of people have desires that clash. When this happens, we say or do disparaging things to the opposition. Why do we do this?
Whether somebody is a criminal or saint, rich or poor, Muslim or Christian, Republican or Democrat, plaintiff or defendent we do things to protect our own interests. Whether we succumb to peer pressure, greed, or insecurities we do bad things at times. We also do amazing acts of kindness, and when we do them, we get perhaps the greatest enjoyment out of any other act in the world. No matter if we do good or bad things, our motives are quite frequently selfish. For me personally, I am prone to desire things to be done my way so I can protect my desires. I also see those people who do acts of service and the joy they get and want that for myself. My decision process weighs what I will get the most enjoyment out of. Do I want to watch Law and Order, which will give my wife nightmares (but I enjoy), or do I want to watch the Bachelor, which is a kin to putting a fork in my eye, but will make my wife happy (and ultimately me happy, as I get enjoyment out of seeing Jackee happy)? Both options make me happy, but which one will make me more happy in this moment? Ultimately I analyze which will make me feel better. No matter if I chose to turn the channel to Law or Order or The Bachelor, my motives are actually quite similar. Whether I appear to be selfish or servant, I am selfish. Why does this matter in society? It matters because when we look at other people, we gravitate to people who get enjoyment out of the same things, and we demonize people who get enjoyment out of other things. We value things differently, and this is what drives our actions.
The world would be a better place if we realize that our motives are similar but our values are different. Now most people will jump in and say, "my values are better than theirs." I ask, who determines whose values are better? Each individual's life experiences will shape their own values. The person who grows up in a Christian household with competitive parents will undoubtedly value different things than the person who grows up surrounded by drugs and apathy. The child who grows up with parents involved in their schooling will value different things then the child who grows up with parents who are absent. The Christian should have different values than the atheist. The privileged have different values than the oppressed. The list goes on and on. Our ultimate happiness will be dependent on having relationships with people who value the same things as we do. But, the world would be better if we did not look down upon people who have different values, because we may just end up finding out that our values end up being similar.
I have a soft spot for people who I feel are oppressed. I feel like the poor, the minorities, the uneducated, and even some criminals don't have a fighting chance in our world. I feel like too often the people with wealth get to decide what society will value. I find this is specifically true in what languages are acceptable, what mannerisms are allowed, and what ideas will be valued. It just so happens that most people with wealth value wealth, so our society is inundated with a desire to gain material wealth. I believe all people should be valued, especially children.
What does all this have to do with failure? First, I too often look at my adversaries and generalize, which I believe is wrong to do. Second, I have done a poor job in my relationships describing the thoughts above. When I have done this poorly, I am misunderstood and appear self indulgent. When people know parts of my story, combined with how hard I fight for the poor, I come off as being self righteous. Lastly, I have failed because too often I partake in political debates with people who either do not believe the things above or have not thought about these ideas. These debates ultimately deteriorate to me insufficiently trying to make the points above. I have failed those people who I care so much about.
So how do I improve? How do I stop failing? How do I show my values? How do I show my motives?
